A gold star to whoever can identify that opera quote.

I am a chronic insomniac. Earlier this week I had One of Those Really Bad Nights -- when you cannot sleep no matter what you do, and the more you cannot sleep the more anxious you get about it and the more you dread the day ahead because you don't know how you'll get through it on no sleep, and finally sometime before dawn you just get up and go into work, because it's preferable to lying there trying not to look at the clock. And generally at some point during Those Really Bad Nights I pray. The standard question in spiritual direction is, "Where is God in this for you?" So I ask God to help me see what it is I'm supposed to be learning from this experience, in what way is it bringing me closer to Him, and really of just what use is it to me or to Him or to anyone else? And I must admit that after all these Really Bad Nights I have not the shred of an answer.

So I ask all of you out there, some of whom might even be reading this during their own Really Bad Nights: can anyone offer me a clue?

I thought I’d start my maiden blog here by giving a brief auto-biography, both spiritual and non. I was born long, long ago in the whitebread suburbs of NYC, into a Jewish (more ethnic than religious) family. I loved old movies, historical fiction, and classical music. I played the piano and the bassoon, with great sincerity if not technical brilliance. I trod the boards as Cornelius Hackl in our high school production of “The Matchmaker.” I was not popular, but had a small group of great friends, as well as a few wonderful, caring teachers. The two greatest literary influences during my adolescence were Muriel Spark (terrible things can still be hysterically funny) and Thomas Hardy (happiness is an occasional episode in a life full of pain. Oh yes, I was a melodramatic youth.) During my senior year in high school I made my first trip to Europe: the world seemed to open up for me, French was no longer just an academic subject, and I drank my first Campari.

I entered Oberlin College as a medieval history major, detoured through Classics, and emerged with a degree in Russian. Those were halcyon days! Out in the real world, I put myself through graduate school in International Economics and Finance. I worked in the refugee business, in a cheese store, as a bartender in an expensive French restaurant, and am now employed (for 20 years!) by the City of New York. If I live long enough, I will retire with a nice pension.

The Christianity Thing started hitting me in my mid-teens. Over the years it would come and go, I was intrigued and resistant, I wanted to receive Communion but couldn’t, and I thought that if I walked into a church and addressed myself to a priest he would subject me to an inquisition. When I was in my late 30’s it started coming up again, this time to such an extent that I could no longer ignore it. I spoke to some priests who were gentle and encouraging, and got myself baptized. I church-shopped a bit and settled quickly on Ascension. The building, the artwork, the pews with doors. The choir sang the Bruckner “Os Justi” and I cried. So I stayed. I did not find it, initially, the most welcoming place (this was a long time ago, and I believe Ascension is much warmer now) but after a while I started getting involved and getting enveloped by the parish community. I will not now go into my Career as a Christian since then – all that will come out in future postings. I will close by saying that entering Ascension was the beginning of an unexpected journey. And I know my story is not unique!

this is the view from my screen tent, where I am writing to you for the next week or so...

First off, a fond hello to my Ascension family and welcome to anyone who may be visiting here, and thanks to Derek for setting up this whole cool experiment. If you are reading this post, it means I’ve successfully uploaded what I’ve written -- sitting here on my land in the wilds of Vermont -- to Ascension’s servers. Don’t imagine I’ve installed high-speed wi-fi on my land (yet!), there’s a wonderful internet café in town, and I also have a friend nearby, the organist for the town’s Episcopal Church, who has internet access at her house. All in all, it’s a great setup: I can hang out in the wilderness writing and thinking and listening to music, and then bike into town or to my friend’s house to recharge my computer and access the world.

I think I’m supposed to introduce myself a bit, so I’ll say that I was confirmed three years ago at Ascension after many years of feeling myself a “cultural” rather than a practicing Christian. I was raised in a musical and artistic family, so my familiarity with Christian culture came from music and visual art: I know the Passion story more from singing Bach’s St Matthew Passion as a teenager than from any Easter service. When my brother and I were young, my mother would every now and again get on a church jag, and if she found a minister whose sermons she liked, we’d go to church for a while, but attending church was not a regular habit in our house.

Although I sometimes regret how long it took me to find a home at church, I mostly regard this casual upbringing with respect to churchgoing as a wonderful gift. So many of my friends have angry stories about dogmatic teachers and judgmental clergy who offended them deeply enough that they refuse to even set foot in a church. While I have many reservations about organized religion and its history in general, I have very little personal history that has to be transcended for me to wholeheartedly participate in the life of the church, at Ascension at least. I am enough of a solitary seeker, not to speak of an anti-authoritarian troublemaker, that I’m pretty sure that waiting until my mid-forties to be confirmed in the church was probably the only way for me to go.

So the reasons why I suddenly made up my mind to join Ascension are basically three. First, it’s around the corner from my apartment(!) Second, the music and liturgy are really really good. And third, on September 12th, 2001 at the 6 pm service, Father Andrew gave a sermon that changed my life. I wrote about it at the time, and it's posted here:

http://www.evbvd.com/newsnotes/911/010916.html

Anyway, that’s about as much of an introduction as I think is necessary for now. Plus, my computer battery is running out, so it’s time for a break!

I have been very kindly invited to blog a little for the "resurrected" Ascension blog. Because the webmaster, besides being a friend, is also a person of good cheer and sound mind (he'll probably deny the latter, but don't you believe him!), I have accepted. Of course, I have always wanted an audience in the high two figures to read my unprocessed rantings. =) My family can now safely ignore my emails.

One of my favorite theological writers is the irascible, Stanley Hauerwas, a theology professor at Duke Divinity School, who, though nominally a Methodist, currently attends an Episcopal Church. He describes himself as a Christian pacifist, which he thinks is redundant, and at the same time as a "violent son of a b*tch," which is why it's so important that he is a pacifist.

Anyway, he had this to say about going to church:

“I don’t have any faith in myself of living a virtuous life; but if I am surrounded by other people who are also formed by the same commitments, then we’ve got a better chance. We need one another to live up to the wonderful invitation we’ve been given to be other than we are.” (The Hauerwas Reader, p. 534).

It made me think of why I go to church, and, more specifically, why I go to Ascension. I need to be with other people who are willing to try and see Christ in another person, so hopefully I can as well. Or, at the very least, be with people who are willing to show up week after week and be present for one another, whether or not their faith seems particularly strong that day. I see this amazing variety of people sitting in the pews, with their fears and hurts and joys, asking for forgiveness, being grateful for their blessings, and being concerned about those around them. Pretty amazing to witness, particularly when on any given sunday half the congregation is annoyed by the other half! (Or am I just projecting here?!)

So, what do you think? Does Hauerwas know what he's talking about? Or, in other words, why do YOU go to church?

-Stephen

Welcome to the (re-)introduction of the Ascension blog! I call it a re-introduction, because the blog actually made its debut in Lent 2006. We used the blogspace here on ascensionnyc.org to share with the wider world the daily meditations Ascension parishioners had written for our 2006 Lenten Devotional book.

During Lent, each of the entries here were from a different person, related to one or more of the scripture readings assigned for the daily worship for that day. Going forward, at least initially, our plan is to open up this space for two or three parishioners over a month or two, so they can share, on a regular basis, whatever thoughts and feelings are on their mind.

Which probably leads to a few questions. So in the time-honored tradition of the Internet and the church, herewith the AscensionNYC blog FAQ/catechism ... whichever you prefer to call it:

Why does a church need a blog?

It doesn't. Or at least ours doesn't. But a blog can be a nice way in an online setting for an individual to speak personally, from the heart. And as a parish church and worshiping community, we find that Christ meets us in unique ways in our individual lives. And this is just one of the many ways we have to discuss that with others, if they care to discuss it.

So who are the people blogging here?

Various and sundry parishioners of the Church of the Ascension, who've been asked to share some witness of their faith here on the blog -- and just so we're clear what all that could encompass, for many of us expressing our doubts could be an even more "devout" expression of our faith.

Huh?

People from our church will come on here and talk about things in their life or observations they want to make, all of which may or not be related to God, Jesus, and other church stuff.

Ah. Thanks. So who chooses who gets to post on here?

The Webmaster. I could lie and add "as divinely inspired by the Holy Spirit," but no one at Ascension who knows me would believe that for a minute.


And what about comments other people would like to add?


Please do! (Just click on the "comments" link below.) Even though a blog is by its nature a one-to-many, or some-to-many form of communication, I think we all of us would like to see it be more of a dialogue than a monologue.



Then why do you "moderate" the comments -- that is, approve or reject them prior to posting? Why should you get to determine what I can and can't post here?

To paraphrase St. Augustine: Love God and post what you like? We could do it that way. And our bloggers' posts aren't moderated by anyone. However, for all its openness, the Internet can also be a raucous, sometimes coarse, sometimes even deceitful "place." And we would hope, above all, that this space could be free of personal rancor between individuals. We'll try to err on the side of being as inclusive and broadminded of submitted comments on these posts as possible, but as part of the Ascension Web site, this blog should not be a venue for insults, profanity, and other, "less edifying" ways of communicating.

And, at the very least, moderating comments means you, the reader, won't have to put up with special offers on "replica watches," Viagra, or home mortgages -- to name just a few of the cleaner variety of comments that might otherwise appear among unmoderated blog comments.


Think we need other questions added to our Frequently Asked Questions? Submit us a comment!